This One's For You Mom!

I haven't written for quite a long time on this here blog. Sometimes, I have a lot to say. Other times, well, I like to keep myself to myself. I felt inspired to write tonight though.

To start off, I just want to say that I am grateful for mothers. I'm grateful for my own mother. She has this mother's intuition, for sure, and seems to know when to call me just when I need it, or even when I didn't know I needed it and find out I did.

A few weeks ago she called me out of the blue one night. She told me she had been cleaning her house, and that she came across several books I had given her over the years, books that contain poetry I have written since I was a teenager up to the present date. As she was talking, I just thought, "Okay, great, where is this going? Did I say something bad?" (Teenage Suzie was a bit, well, conflicted at times. We'll leave it at that).

She said, "I cried off and on when I read them and realized, my goodness, you are so gifted." I was absolutely stunned. I did not see this statement coming, at all. Now, I'm not tooting my own horn by any means. My poems are more like journal entries, in the sense that they are extremely personal and are written mainly for myself and maybe the people I am closest to. If you really want to know who I am, read the poems.

She went on to say, with encouragement, "Things get put on the shelf when you have small children. But they will come back. I stayed at home for over 20 years. Then when Jared (the youngest in our family) was 2, I got involved in politics and started teaching at the university (BYU-Idaho). I have had a career in politics for 30 years now. All of this happened after I was done having children. So, don't worry, there is a whole other life ahead of you after your children are born and begin to grow."

She is always great at saying things like this for me. It is so encouraging, for the reasons stated above, but also in that it gives me comfort and peace to know and feel that I am content at the stage of life I am in right now, which is having and raising young children. I had my first child when I was 30. I had my 20s to explore my life and career, and I do not regret any of it. I knew my 30s would be a decade of birthing and raising young children, and I am happy to have the blessing to be doing that and to have the added blessing to stay home with them every day. I am happy, most of the time, to get lost in the mundane things of my present life, like trips to the library, Wild Krats discussions, pretending to be ninja turtles with my son, watching Curious George with my toddler and even the not so great things about it, such as, well, the mundane things like dishes and laundry (oh, the never-ending laundry). I'm happy to take my life for what it is in the present moment.

But of course, every now and then, there is that little flicker in the back of my mind, remembering who I was before I had children, what my passions were, what motivated me. It's interesting to see that a lot of that has changed, but the things that mattered most to me and were central to my core have remained, being, playing music and writing.

My mom then challenged me to try to write something again, but this time, based on my life with my children. It's not anything earth shattering, but the other night, I was holding Jack, my 4 year old, and he was using one of his hands to stroke my face or my hair or shoulder. It reminded me of a little hand motion he would do to me when he was a baby when I would nurse him. He would knead near the very top of my chest, close to my shoulder, with his litle baby hand. I thought it was funny when he would do it, then read somewhere that it is actually a self soothing thing that they do when they are at peace. So when he was doing something somewhat similar a few nights ago, it brought back a flood of memories of so much love for that little baby, and the love I have for him today.

So mom, this one's for you. Hope you like it. :)

My heart is an anchor of emotion.
I nurture you from my own self,
Your baby paw,
is scratching, searching, kneading
at my heart searching for tangible comfort.
Four years later, I hold you.
I comfort you.
Your baby instincts return and you
reach, grasp, search, caress
my neck, hair, my face
warmly with your
little boy paw
knowing that I will always be there
to hold you in the womb of my love.

' SBW 1/3/16


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