"By Small and Simple Things are Great Things Brought To Pass"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction and path I want my life to take. I'm not quite sure. The whole experience of dealing with postpartum depression these last almost 8 months has left me as a blank slate ... which I am seeing is a good thing, although very frightening and vulnerable at times.

But I realize that I have the opportunity to redefine myself, since in most ways, I feel like I cannot go back to being who I fully was before I had my second baby. Too much has happened within myself, too much has changed, too much has be wiped away from me; so the only real option I have is to start new.

Who is it that I want to be? What fuels me? What kind of mother do I want to be to my sons? What kind of wife do I want to be for my husband? Who am I and what do I want?

I don't know.

I have had a scripture from the Book of Mormon that has been going through my head all day.

"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6.

At this stage of my life, it is all about low expectations, small steps, and hopefully by small and simple things, great things will come to pass.

So here are a few things I vow to do for myself:

I will not use the sentence, "I used to be ...." or "I used to do ..." because that's just it, I used to. Great. It served me well then. What will serve me well now, in my present life?

I will take the time to take care of myself. If my house goes by the wayside, so be it. If I have to say no sometimes to people and things, so be it. It is okay to say yes to myself.

I will set very low expectations for each day, but I will also aim to have a goal or two for each day. If I attain those goals that day, fantastic!! If I don't, there is always tomorrow.

I will find solace in my imperfection. I grew up in a home where I was told we "do not air our dirty laundry." It was all about appearance. The home had to look a certain way. We had to look, dress, act, and think a certain way, and if we didn't, well, let's just say all hell just about broke lose when we did differently.

 This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because it taught me to take care of my things and myself, and to try my best to be my 'best self'. But it did lead to some fanaticism in me, which has not served me well the course of my entire life so far. I do air some of my dirty laundry, because, guess what, somebody else out there probably has 'laundry' as dirty or even dirtier than mine; and who cares. Life is not about appearing perfect. Life is dirty, messy, full of mistakes and errors, as well as full of growth and happiness.

In my attempt to figure out this new chapter of my life, I decided that I want to try new things, and also do the things that used to bring me joy and happiness. That is what I think I want this blog to be. An exploration not for an audience, but for myself, figuring out what it is that really does make me happy in my day to day life and what really fuels me. By doing small and simple things, I do believe that great things will come to pass.

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