An Epic Post of Celebrations and Guilt

** Warning: This post may read as a stream of consciousness type novel. That is how my brain is working tonight.

I haven't blogged for the past month because December was crazy, for so many reasons, some obvious (holidays) others not (personal things). I should honestly be finishing putting together costume pieces for the play for my Children's Theatre class right now (tomorrow night is our dress rehearsal), but I am so burned out right now, that I'm giving myself a little break from it. I'm sure I'll regret it when I'm up until midnight finishing the last pieces, but, oh well.

There have been so many things on my mind today, that I'm going to write this post in little sections. It's going to be long. Deal with it. ;)

Christmas
We had a very nice, low key Christmas, just the three of us here at home, which in all honesty is the way I like it best. Some people looked at me weird when I said it was going to be just the three of us and invited us to their family gatherings, which was very nice of them. Some people asked me if I was sad not being with my family for Christmas, to which I answered, "I am with my family for Christmas." We had a wonderful time. Christmas was a lot more fun with Jacky this year, although he still isn't too interested in opening presents yet. But he did love the gifts he received. Here are a few pics that highlight our Christmas.
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From top left to right: Pictures 1 & 2 are with Jack in his new Elmo pjs Christmas Eve. Picture 3 is of Brent and Jack eating a 'romantic' dinner. Picture 4 & 5 is us with Jack Christmas morning, eating croissants. Picture 6 is the Christmas lights our city displays every year. Picture 7-10  are Jack playing with new toys, and there is a random picture of Jack playing with a shovel he got Christmas Eve, which his is obsessed with.
This is Brent and I after seeing Alfie Boe and Tom Brokaw at the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert. It was epic and beautiful, just what I needed this holiday season!

We did end up heading to Idaho and spent New Years with my family. While I like getting together with my family, I only like it for 2-3 days maximum. That is enough. There are seven of us (kids), which equals 15 adults counting my parents and 25 grandchildren, crammed in what once felt like a big house growing up and is now tiny with that many people in it, people who all have extremely strong opinions and personalities and ways of taking care of and raising their children, people who are completely exhausted because we all love each other so much, we stay up until the wee hours of the morning hanging out with each other, then have to deal with the reality of being parents the next day. I love my family more than anything. We are not just siblings, we are friends, and always will be. We would do anything for each other. I love being with each of my siblings and their families one on one, or maybe two siblings and their families at a time. But to be just plain honest, when all 7 of us try to get together for more than 2 days, it just isn't a good idea. I hope I don't make any of them feel bad by saying this, because I love being with all of them. In any case, I really did have a fun time being with everyone, and after writing all of the above, wish I could have had more time with them. I know, it's confusing.

The night after we got home, January 3, Jack came down with a bad case of strep. He had a fever of 103 and we were trying to console him for three hours, 10:00 PM - 1:00 AM, each of us taking turns rocking him in his room, but after we found out his temperature was that high, we took him to the doctor. It's nice because one of the pediatricians we take him to is open 24 hours a day. We left at 2:30 AM, after the poor little guy had things shoved up his nose and down his throat. He was so exhausted and felt so miserable, that he fell asleep while I held him in the patient room.

The next day he slept on me for two hours while I watched Downton Abbey. It was a win/win for both of us, because he did NOT want to go in his crib, just wanted me to hold him. I don't really get to snuggle and hold him much anymore because he's getting older, so I loved having that snuggle time with him, even if he drooled and rubbed snot into my hair. I also had an excuse to watch Downton Abbey for 2 hours! In any case, he's better, we got sick for three days, but we're on the mend now, slowly.

Mother Guilt
This seems like a strange digression from the above, but I promise it really isn't. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, my Children's Theatre class is performing next Wednesday night, so tomorrow night is our dress rehearsal. In all reality, it really isn't a big deal. There are only four kids in the class right now, which is extremely frustrating most of the time, but still a joy to teach, so there obviously won't be a lot of people there to watch the actual performance. But the perfectionist in me wants everything to be absolutely perfect. I'm not doing this job for the money BELIEVE ME! I'm doing it because I love what I do and I miss teaching, so it is a good way for me to keep my skills and creativity up and gives me that much more experience in my life.

I planned on finishing sound and costumes after we got back from our New Years holiday, but then Jack got sick and I got sick and am still trying to get better, so I'm scurrying last minute to put everything together for tomorrow night. Technically, the performance is next week, but tomorrow is a dress rehearsal, so everything must be ready for tomorrow as if it were the performance.

I am completely exhausted, what with not sleeping for almost a week in Idaho, to coming home to everything I already mentioned, to trying to put all of this together and have it be as perfect as possible. I have also attempted to start a eating/exercise 8 week challenge this week, which is killing me. It also didn't help that I've slept horribly for basically 2 weeks and Jack woke up early this morning, therefore waking me up early. He went back to sleep, but I just lay there for a while, then got up and exercised. I thought he'd be so exhausted today that he'd take a long nap, but he only slept 50 minutes and was whiny all day because he IS so tired. He's teething.

I've been so tired and stressed out, that in return, my patience with my little guy has been extremely thin and I have yelled at him so much today. I feel horrible. Not like I'm screaming obscenities or something, I've just been short with him, especially when he's pulling on my leg because he wants me to hold him, but I'm trying to finish up the costume pieces. I finally just said, "Screw it" in my head and sat down and held him and took him up to his room and read books with him for a while, but then had to get back to work.

After snapping at my sweet little guy so much today, I had that mother guilt inside of my head, telling me that I don't have the right to try to be the mother of more than one child, because I'm not doing the best job with the one I already have. I had a horrible thought as I listened to him crying when he woke up way too early from his nap. I thought that I really don't want to have another kid (which in all reality isn't true), but it freaks me out. I am a pretty intense person and when I do something, I'm really intense about it. Being a mother the past 16 1/2 months has been one of those things. I don't think I have the personality to be the mother to a lot of children. I may honestly be doing good to be the mother of two children, physically and mentally speaking.

I was feeling pretty awesome about myself today (note the sarcasm), but felt happy that I could redeem myself in my son's eyes tonight by playing cars and trains with him for an hour before bedtime. We had a great time and it honestly made the day redeemable, and made me feel like I wasn't the worst mother on the block.

In any case, tomorrow is another day and I've got a million things to do to be ready for the dress rehearsal tomorrow night. I'm really excited for this to go off and will be even more excited when it's over! I will post some pictures of it all when I can.




Comments

loonysuse said…
I've always wanted one child. Even before I was married. I can't multi-task.

I joined horrible playgroups so my son could play with others. I finally really clicked with one mom and our sons became best friends. Two-year-olds pushing around hotwheels for hours. It was dreamy for us moms.

Life will be better when you are rested. Try benedryl?

vdg family said…
Suzie Q:

First, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Motherhood is never easy, especially when we take the time to pursue our interests so we stay vehemently interested in being a mom. Taking that hour probably meant the world to him and I get it, you probably needed that time with just him. Good job! And I can't wait to see the pictures from the Children's Theater!

Also, remember how you did that post on acne? Well, I'm having the same trouble. Did you find anything that works with your skin? I'm trying to go gluten and dairy free for an attempt to see if it is what I'm eating. Ugh! I realized that 90% of what I ate has gluten and/or dairy.

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