Write It Out Thursday - A Peace Treaty With Myself

I love writing. I'm not saying I'm any good at it, but I thought it might be fun to have others join and link up to express their thoughts, ideas, and emotions based on a few different prompts. I'll always give at least two prompts to choose from. Just make sure to indicate which prompt you chose to write about, and if you link up, just make sure to link back to my page. This will be open until Friday night. Happy writing!

I'm linking up with Shell today as well, pouring my heart out!

I haven't done this for a few weeks. Honestly, I go back and forth on doing this at all, but then I remind myself it's more for me than anything, but I would love for others to join in too!

Here are the prompts for this week:
Prompt 1: Write about how you'd like to change your inner life right now.

Prompt 2: Write about those moments in nature that remind you of your connection to the "Big Picture".

Prompt 1: This is a big one for me right now. I know that I have gained weight lately. I don't know how much and frankly, I don't want to know. It's not a lot, just enough that all of my pants are much, much more snug in all areas! I go through periods of being really, really good about eating and exercising. It seems to last for about 2 weeks, and then something ALWAYS seems to happen at the two week mark, causing me to fail miserably (I know, I know, I let myself fail). The latest thing was that we went to Oklahoma and then I went to Idaho to visit my family. Both trips were full of great food and a lot of chocolate and ice cream. Yikes. My all of me is showing and feeling it now.

The point is that I don't know how to get out of this rut. I don't know how to stay motivated, to keep going, to care. I start out all gung ho, ready to take all of my fat on, or rather, ready to get it off, and then I hit my lull, like the past 2 weeks, where I don't even care what I'm eating or at what time I'm eating it and that I'm not exercising. But that's also not completely true. It's always in the back of my head, or like the good or devil angel sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear, "You know you shouldn't eat that fatty! You know you need to wake up early and exercise! You know you feel better after you've done it!"

When I was in high school and probably clear up until I was 25, my biggest fear in life was getting fat. It ruled a large part of my daily existence. I wasn't ever an over-exerciser (I've always done enough just to get the job done) or crazy about counting calories, but I did go through periods of tracking my food and fitness religiously. I remember having a conversation with a guy I was dating in my early college years, talking about our biggest fears. We listed our top three. I counted down backwards; the third was having someone close to me die, the second was getting raped, and then I said rather sheepishly that the first was getting fat. Getting fat took precedence over getting raped or having someone I dearly love die! That is pretty messed up people. Clearly my priorities were not in order.

I sometimes have crazy thoughts along the lines of: What if my 19 year old self met my present day 31 year old self? I'd probably say to myself, "Self, what happened? You used to be so think and pretty and young looking. Sure, you've had a kid now and your body has somewhat changed, but let's get serious lady; you've let yourself go. What happened? You used to be so strict and hard on yourself? You've turned into an old softy! Come on lardy, let's go run some bleachers together until you either throw up or pass out because you're so horribly out of shape! Oh, PS, I can hear your thighs rubbing together when you walk. Careful, you might start a fire!"

Yeah, My 19 year old me is a beeotch! I will confess that my 31 year old me is a lot nicer to myself. I give myself what I consider to be healthy allowances. I'm not a girl anymore; I've had a baby and my body has changed and that's normal and okay; I'm not training to run a marathon or triathlon and probably never will and that's okay; I'm not in competition with anybody else but myself; I don't have to look like the women on TV and the movies, nor do I even really want to.

But I wish I still had some of my 19 year old Me's drive for perfection and persistence. But, life is a lot easier when you have only yourself to worry and think about, you still live at home while you're getting your Associates Degree, your Dad pays your insurance and gas and your parents pay for your room and food. I didn't even realize how good I had it! Of course I had all the time in the world to devote to dodging my number one fear of getting fat!

So if my 31 year old self met my 19 year old self jogging down the street, I'd stop me and say, "Hey me. You're so young and fit and beautiful, and this is who you'll be in 12 years. You're still young-ish, you're still beautiful because you know who you are so much more than you think you do now, and as for being fit? Well, you're working on it. You're not giving up and you never will, because you love yourself too much to do that. But as for this 'getting fat' being your number one fear in life? Grow up honey. Life's too short. Be good to yourself. Be kind and continue to be healthy, but really, pull your head out of your self centered cloud and enter the real world; enter life. You may look different in 12 years, but this body will go through a lot. Be proud!"

This is how I'm trying to change my inner life right now. To be proud of who I was and who I am today and to continue moving on in the right direction; taking care of myself and my family the way I really know I should. That's the goal.


Shell said…
I think I'd want to punch my 19 y/o self. She didn't have a clue. ;)

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